A.L.I.E.N. LIVING: The Journey of Being Authentic (blog)
Monday, February 17, 2020
Good Day A.L.I.E.N.s! I hope you all have had an amazing week. Last Friday, was Valentine’s Day. Growing up I pretty much like any other kid adored the holiday, looked forward to it. I dreamed of when I’d get older and have a boyfriend and husband, how he would shower me with gifts, flowers, dinners and cards, letting me know how much he loved me. Then I got older as a teenager, had boyfriends, but never got those grand jesters of love that you are supposed to receive. As time went on instead of getting depressed about not having someone during the holiday I just kind of ignored it. LOL! I pretended it didn’t exist. Literally, I would forget and I would be reminded that day because of social media and people at work celebrating. I was in a relationship and would still purposely forget about the holiday because if he didn’t get me anything, I didn’t want to freak out about it!! DAMN!! My self-esteem was SUPER LOW!! That sounds sad… and I can say it is. However, about 3 years ago I decided not to ignore the holiday anymore. I had begun my journey into self-care and self-love and I apart of this was no longer pretending Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean anything to me. Now, do I believe that your partner or even you whether male or female should be spending hundreds of dollars to express their love for you all in one day… Hell No! I believe that we should be doing that each and every day. I feel we put too much pressure on ourselves and others around us to “have” someone on that day.
So, when I decided three years ago as I stated before it was all in stages: Year One, 2018, backfired, I tried celebrating with another person and that didn’t go as planned, I still walked away disappointed and a bit hurt, but again at this point I was new at that the whole “self-love” experience. Year Two, 2019, I decided that I would begin celebrating my love for me during the holiday. I ordered flowers for myself and had them delivered. I wrote a card to myself and everything. I realized I was putting pressure on others to show me they loved me when I didn’t even really love myself. I worked to change that through therapy and prayer. Practicing self-love on a daily basis, whether that was looking at myself in the mirror and just saying “I love you” or being brave enough to tell people the truth when they asked and not being afraid of what they might say. Year Three, 2020, this past Friday for Valentine’s Day I didn’t do anything extravagant, I just woke up feeling amazing and I did whatever I wanted to do. For the first time in years I could read other people’s posts about love, look at photos of engagements and not be bitter or feel like “when will my day come”.
I know sometimes we are made to feel lonely as if we don’t have someone then that means we are lesser than, but how can we love or be with anyone if we can’t love or be with ourselves. And being with yourself is hard. I have been working on being with myself since I started therapy 11 years ago. I didn’t even fully grasp the concept until about 2 years ago, when I was made to face that fact that I had built this false narrative for myself; that I had agreed to be someone I wasn’t. I was a slave to other people’s approval, not realizing that I had already been accepted.
This year I was especially excited about Valentine’s Day coming up, because I was no longer afraid of it. I didn’t need the flowers or anything, the feeling of self-satisfaction and fulfillment was enough for me. I couldn’t stop smiling all day because I remembered where I was, how I felt any other time. How I hid my disappointments in past relationships, but I really wanted the other person to make a big deal about me. How I yearned for my partner to see my as worthy enough to shower with gifts, flowers, cards, dinner and some good sex afterwards… Yaaaasss… the sex!!! And I still am excited about when that day comes, but for now I realize how can I expect someone to get excited about me, if I am not excited about myself and this year I was excited about myself.
The message is know your worth. Work on knowing your worth. That is why this is a journey into authenticity because this is not overnight, microwave situation. This takes time, so I hope that every day you work to make it Valentine’s Day for you personally because we can’t look for someone to do and feel something for us that we don’t do or feel for ourselves.
Matthew 22:39 “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”
Until we meet again!